Rapport Rapport Rapport
Out internal processing directly affects the world we live in. Spend the day assuming people are ‘out to get you’ and you will process all available data in a way that sorts and filters all the incoming information to prove that to be the case. Fortunately when you assume that ‘people are always helpful’ the process works the same way.
You could think of rapport building as an attitude why not adopt a belief about rapport:
See Free NLP Tip 9 for more details
or try these on for a while,
Rapport is a naturally occurring phenomena that occurs whenever 2 or more people are together
I’m an nice guy/girl everybody wants to get in rapport with me
People like people who are like themselves
Rapport is the name we give to situations where you engage people with a feeling of comfort and a deepening level of trust.
Can you recall a situation where you’ve been with a friend and you noticed that you were both sitting the same way and when you changed your position they shifted their position so they matched yours? How about a time when you felt a sense of connection and as you go to shift your position they do it also? There is no rational mind reason for this occurring and often we have not paid attention to just how much of this goes on naturally and without effort until now of course as you will begin to notice more and more.
There are two main ways you can create and deepen the feeling of rapport
Matching and Mirroring
Pacing
Matching and mirroring is exactly how it sounds and you can Match and or Mirror many aspect of behavior,
Whole body matching goes like this, when you’re sitting down with someone you can sit the same way matching or you could imagine you’re looking into a mirror and sit accordingly. This also works standing up, we all have different ways of holding ourselves, we call it posture. Some people prefer to stand arms crossed, some behind their backs and others, well, just about anyway they feel comfortable and provided you feel comfortable ‘copying’ that stance or seating arrangement then do it, it’s all good. Here’s an important point, YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE in the position, if you don’t then do something else. There is no quicker way to destroy rapport than to attempt to put yourself into a position that feels uncomfortable the person you are engaging with will sense that you are uncomfortable and although they may not have a good ‘reason’ why you seemed ‘a little off’ they will respond all the same and you will have a tough time getting rapport from that point on. Once people think you’re ‘up to something they are much less likely to trust and go with you.
An easier way is to relax and when you notice particular gestures in conjunction with words that stand out for you, mirror those back to people, think of it a borrowing their gestures. Often gestures are linked to words or stories about things that have a particular meaning for the person and by noticing them and mirroring back you can establish and deepen rapport. Use phrases like
“So I can check, When you said…….” mirror/match the statement and gesture
“You mentioned…..” mirror/match the statement and gesture
You can consider these as pacing statements even though you’re only checking….
The trick with matching and mirroring is to notice when you are matching and be aware of the signs of rapport rather than rapport being something you do to people. Often when people are trying to get into rapport they are paying so much attention to what “they’re going to do next” that they miss the signs of natural rapport emerging.
Pacing is a term often used in different ways in different context’s you can pace language, body movements and even the experience of person in front of you all will help towards building or maintaining rapport. In a business context pacing is a really great way of overcoming critical filters, “I know you’re really busy so I wont take up any more time than absolutely nessercary to help you……”
There are different ways of building rapport and depending on the situation you’re in, you will use all or some or one of them.
When it comes to working with people as a therapist or coach you can imagine that there is a kind of unwritten contract which automatically produces some kind of rapport after all, they wouldn’t be there in front of you and paying their hard earned cash if they didn’t think there was something you could do for them. I know that sometimes sometimes you can encounter people who have had counseling or therapy before and seem like they’re there just to prove that what you know doesn’t work and that in and of itself is a kind of rapport, admittedly not a great one for instigating change but it is still a situation you can turn to your advantage thus;
“I know you’ve been to some therapy/coaching sessions before, and you haven’t found them particularly useful so far, right?…….and so I’m curious, what would you like to get from this session here with me today?”
By pacing the clients current situation you are beginning to build trust at an unconscious level, and a nice little presupposition ” so far ” pre supposes this time will be different. “There’s no point fighting reality – reality always wins…”
In business the idea of rapport and pacing and leading has been taught to many people in various industries and so is quite well known, it is possible that for the inexperienced practitioner a potential client may already be aware of the concepts of matching,mirroring and pacing. And so subtlety and ingenuity is required to overcome the critical filters in people. Remember that anything one person does can be matched even down to the way they walk, so walking from a reception to an office with someone is time to be used in establishing rapport ( See tip 33 for more details ). You can match their posture, pace rate, stride even their current experience with language, often before you get into the formal ‘place of business i.e their office you can gather a lot of information about their needs wants and desires in an informal way.
You:”How’s your day going?”
“Hectic, We’ve got all these orders and I’m trying to hold the team together while sorting out all this paperwork for XYZ…. there just isn’t enough hours in the day…..”
You: “Wow, that is hectic it must be tough to keep all those plates spinning!”
“Yeah, you’re not wrong, I have to……..”
When you get into the meeting proper you can use the spinning plates metaphor to help you show how your product or service can help by taking some of those plates away or making them automatic. By using their words while chatting in an informal manner you will begin to build the sense of trust required to open more doors for your business
TOP TIP !
First accept you are where you are and get into rapport with yourself.
Eh? surely we are already in rapport, we are after all in the same body so rapport must be there, right? Not in my experience. Many people are so busy telling themselves they’re not there yet that self rapport is impossible. Having a goal is great for setting a direction but if it used as a beating stick to constantly berate yourself then rapport is not there. This is called incongruence and is literally telegraphed to who ever you are with and in any situation. So accept yourself exactly as you are, centre yourself before you attempt to establish rapport with others, detach from outcome, however it turns out will be exactly that so relax and feel a sense of ease with yourself and you’ll build rapport faster and easier, effortlessly in fact with yourself and other people.
Next week we’ll be looking at setting useful directions in any interaction.
Enjoy
Andy
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